Accountability

I'm feeling guilty about not maintaining my accountability. My eating is out of control at the moment. I'm not actually sure why that is so. I'm feeling mostly in control of everything right now but I seem to be eating everything in sight.....

I'm obviously punishing myself for something but I can' t think what.

This week it's been chips and wine. During the day I seem to be pretty much OK but night time when I get home, I fall to pieces.

Damn it. Today I'm going to be good. I'm going out to the pub with a friend this afternoon but I'll drink lime and soda instead of wine. Also because I have to drive approximately 45 minutes just to get to his house and pick him up.

I also haven't trained this week as I've been really really weary. Late nights are catching up with me and it's been a hard physical week at work. I know, I know, I'm making excuses again. I should just be focussed on the training since I won't be training from next Saturday for approx 11 days. I'm going to take home my skipping rope and my good sneakers so I can walk and do some cardio while I'm home anyway.

What's wrong with me?? I really really want to compete next year but underneath it all, I think that I'm scared. My mind is telling me that I'm going to fail THIS time as well as all the others and I think that's why I'm sabotaging myself. It's easy to admit failing when you haven't really put in the effort. "Oh, things just got in the way and since training takes up so much time, I didn't really have the time to dedicate to it." "I had to spend so much time preparing my food that it just got a bit much for me and I found that I didn't have time for it."

I always have time to sit in a bloody drive-through and wait for full fat and disgusting tasting meals but don't "have the time" to prep some good healthy meals and get my large arse to the gym.

I'm looking forward to going home and seeing my folks at the end of this week. Maybe going home and getting some grounded perspective of life, the universe and everything again will help. Sometimes, I just need to see my mum!!

Well, I'm talking to Mark in just 20 minutes and then I'm heading to the gym to get myself back on track again before going off and being social this afternoon. I've actually got better things to do than go out to the pub but I promised that I would go.

sigh.....

Almost finished the hard part

I've been going nuts studying for a resit Tuesday night. I spent most of yesterday just trying to understand the fundamentals with the rotten maths but I think I've got it pretty much down today. I'm still a little shaky but if I try to think logically about it, then I should get through the exam tomorrow night with flying colours.

In the meantime, my training is suffering a little bit because this exam has taken priority for the moment. Once it's over, then I can fully concentrate on what I really want to do which is train!!!!

I've missed the gym today because it's a public holiday over here and the gym is only open for about 3 hours. I've just realised what the time is and I've missed it....sigh. Well I'll be all ready for tomorrow morning. I'll get some cardio in this afternoon when I've finished my study so I'll at least have done something today!

My eating hasn't been good. I've not been thinking about it and picking at chips, and chocolate up until now. I'll take some meat out of the freezer when I've finished here and make sure that I have my food ready for the week so there's no excuses......

I'm feeling ready to take on the world for some reason. Maybe because I had a big weep yesterday over my feeling of inadequacy regarding my apprenticeship...... But last night I made up my mind to succeed in a big way, get some of the top marks in my year, be nominated for apprentice of the year and then compete a couple of times next year. My sister is chuffed with the last thing. She's looking forward to checking out my chosen outfits when we meet up at mum's place in a couple of weeks.

I'll blog a little more later on today......

Hate Being Sick!!!

Got sick last week which threw my training off slightly. Went to the gym Wednesday morning and by the time I got to work, I was NOT well.... Went home and spent the next 2 days in bed feeling like death warmed up.
I've made it through the weekend without feeling too bad but I'm not feeling 100% today. But I went to the gym this morning to train legs. Got through my warm up sets of squats with dumbbells. Started my first set of squats proper and on rep 3 I must have changed my position slightly. My lower back gave me a small tweak but I finished the rep. I stretched slightly and the back felt OK. Started rep 4 and it screamed in agony which subsequently put an end to my squatting for the day. Not Happy Jan!
I managed to do seated ham curls and leg extensions and then went back on the treadmill to try to get my body moving again. Not a good thing...... My whole workout was over in about 20 minutes flat because my back made it impossible to bend over or to walk comfortably.....sigh

During the day, I was sitting down for most of it because it was my Tech day. That wasn't the best idea when your lower back is not well.....
I kept having to get up and stretch it out and try to find the most comfortable position to sit.

But I got through the day. I'm going to take some pain killers tonight and head to bed reasonably early to make an early start for the gym tomorrow. Back, Traps and something I can't remember right now....

I'm planning to doing legs again on Friday morning - that should give my bod a little time to recover from whatever I did this morning....

My eating was not good today either. I made a decision to have a chocolate and a muffin this afternoon - damn my weak will and my crampy tummy!

Ah well, I made that decision. Now I'll make a decision to eat correctly tomorrow because I'm the only one who can make it and keep myself on track.

The good thing this week was that I lost 600g Thursday week ago and then last Tuesday I lost another 1.6kg. I don't know how I'll go this week as I've not exercised and my eating has been ok but not great.....

Take it on the chin and let it go. I resolve to try my very best to do my very best and be my very best because I'll be taking a whole 9 days off everything in a couple of weeks when I go home!!!

In the meantime, eat well, think well, stay well.

Dedication

I've organised most of my meals for tomorrow anyway. I'm thawing out my meat for the rest of the week so have to cook it tomorrow night....

I'm all organised in my head for tomorrow's training session and am looking forward to it prior to going to Tech. I know that I have failed my last exam at Tech so am going to have to book a resit (damn it!). Ah well. It just proves that I didn't understand the fundamentals of the subject this time!

I've just watched Mark's 170kg squat on YouTube and I'm seriously impressed! I can't wait until I can do 100kg without falling in a heap!

I'm heading off to bed shortly as I am still trying to catch up on some sleep from last week. Note to self: get more than minimum sleep this week in between workouts!

Let's rock this joint this week! I'm really REALLY looking forward to it!

Motivation

I've just spoken with Mark and I'm feeling pretty chuffed right now. I've just been reading his E Class 23 which is all about motivation and the strategies to put in place to make it a habit. This is a very very smart man who knows what he's talking about and I'm just so happy that I found him. He's the man I need in my life right now!!

I've made my committment to eating correctly and decided what those foods will be. I've made my committment to training a certain amount of times and doing certain things each week. I'm keeping my inspiration and motivation close by keeping my E Classes with me and keeping my prospective outfits, etc with me during my days. I'm reading my motivational articles during my lunch hours at work to keep me going when my days seem really long and hard to deal with.

The one thing I need to work on now is a positive attitude. I used to have one but I seem to have allowed myself to become negative. I need to keep closer watch on what comes out of my mouth and only allow positive things out. You are what you say you are.......

Training

I did a back and biceps workout today. I'm working with limited means as my gym isn't set up for someone with my goals but for the moment, it's perfect for me to lose weight!

I used the assisted chin machine and it was kickin'! I'm a big girl and heavy but it's giving me a real buzz every time I get on it and lift. I'm around 111kgs and I'm only chinning about 30kgs of that but it's more than I've done before. I'm loving it! I love watching my traps and shoulders bulge through all the "velvet".

Tomorrow I'm going to be doing shoulders, traps and abs. I'm also going to start doing Arnold's tummy vacuum at home when I'm just watching TV. It will help strengthen my abs and get me used to holding it all in!

The only thing I'm finding difficult at present is handling my stress levels which are through the roof and then I turn to the wine list! This week, I'm going to work on them but I'm going to do it slowly. By the end of next week, I've promised myself that the wine will go as will all other alcoholic beverages. I've started to do some meditation and breathing exercises to try to cope with other problems in my life at the moment that I really really getting me down.

I'll get there! I've got a good support team in place and I'm going to turn to them as much as possible to get me through.

Well, now I have to update my diet diary and send it to Mark so he can keep me accountable!

Inevitability Thinking

If I knew with absolute certainty that I was going to win a figure contest and be in the best shape of my life, what would I do now?

I would cement my eating habits down to a science.
I would commit to weight train 5 - 6 days per week.
I would commit to doing cardio of one form or other 5 - 6 days per week for 1 hour per time.
I would commit to preparing my weeks' meals every Sunday.
I would commit to shopping for clean foods every week so I can prepare the perfect meals on Sunday.
I would commit to getting 8 hours of sleep each and every night.
I would commit to eating every 2 - 3 hours and taking my supplements on time every time.
I would commit to drinking 3 litres of water every day.
I would commit to setting my goals regularly and revisiting them regularly.
I would commit to helping others achieve the same things that I will have done.
I would commit to opening my own gym where girls can come and prepare for their own competitions.

What am I committed to do to make this become inevitable?

As Rae said in one blog,
"I can control my body, I can control my mind. I can control what I eat and I can control my attitude. I cannot control a lot in this life but I can control these and I can control how I react to situations that are out of my control.
These are things that you have to go through; a process; in order to discover things about yourself and truly learn the lesson."