Accountability

I'm feeling guilty about not maintaining my accountability. My eating is out of control at the moment. I'm not actually sure why that is so. I'm feeling mostly in control of everything right now but I seem to be eating everything in sight.....

I'm obviously punishing myself for something but I can' t think what.

This week it's been chips and wine. During the day I seem to be pretty much OK but night time when I get home, I fall to pieces.

Damn it. Today I'm going to be good. I'm going out to the pub with a friend this afternoon but I'll drink lime and soda instead of wine. Also because I have to drive approximately 45 minutes just to get to his house and pick him up.

I also haven't trained this week as I've been really really weary. Late nights are catching up with me and it's been a hard physical week at work. I know, I know, I'm making excuses again. I should just be focussed on the training since I won't be training from next Saturday for approx 11 days. I'm going to take home my skipping rope and my good sneakers so I can walk and do some cardio while I'm home anyway.

What's wrong with me?? I really really want to compete next year but underneath it all, I think that I'm scared. My mind is telling me that I'm going to fail THIS time as well as all the others and I think that's why I'm sabotaging myself. It's easy to admit failing when you haven't really put in the effort. "Oh, things just got in the way and since training takes up so much time, I didn't really have the time to dedicate to it." "I had to spend so much time preparing my food that it just got a bit much for me and I found that I didn't have time for it."

I always have time to sit in a bloody drive-through and wait for full fat and disgusting tasting meals but don't "have the time" to prep some good healthy meals and get my large arse to the gym.

I'm looking forward to going home and seeing my folks at the end of this week. Maybe going home and getting some grounded perspective of life, the universe and everything again will help. Sometimes, I just need to see my mum!!

Well, I'm talking to Mark in just 20 minutes and then I'm heading to the gym to get myself back on track again before going off and being social this afternoon. I've actually got better things to do than go out to the pub but I promised that I would go.

sigh.....